I got me this woman,
she won’t leave me alone.
Every night, she be calling me on the phone.
She wants to have sex,
but I say she’s my ex.
And I ain’t got no use for no gunrack.
Then I knows this other lady.
Goes by the name of Terry.
One night, we was gonna gets it on.
She says, “Let’s go do it on the lawn.”
Then the sprinklers came on,
and this unicorn stabbed her right through the back.
Once upon a time, I knew me this girl.
She wanted to be on TV
more than anything else in the world.
One day she got her wish,
as she was eating some fish.
And a giant alien came down and bit off her head.
Once me and my woman,
we was out fishing.
The lake was bright blue.
And I was wishing, that I was anywhere else
or that my woman was Welsh.
And then Garfield drove up in the Mystery Machine and said,
“Hey, this is like that movie with Whoopie Goldberg.”
One day I was outside,
and I decided to mow the lawn.
But suddenly I stopped in the middle of a row,
cause I saw my dog and my sister gettin’ it on.
They stopped their messed up lovin’, when they saw me coming.
And said, “Nothing says lovin’ like chicken from the oven.”
Then one day, i was driving down the road.
I was humming this here song,
and I ran over a toad.
I couldn’t believe that the toad was naked,
so I closed my eyes and thought about it for a second.
Then I almost crashed cause
Robert De Niro and Star Jones were playing hackeysack in the middle of the road.
credits
from The Monkey Corner Sessions,
released June 2, 1999
Words: Fred Betzner, Aaron Rolka, & Seán O'Donnell
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